Are You Ready To Date?

I jokingly tell my middle school students to “BREAK UP!” when they tell me who they’re dating.
They laugh. I smile.
But most of the time I’m serious.

CRUSHES vs DATING
Crushes are normal and attraction is just a feeling. Part of maturing is being able to feel your feelings without acting on them. Just because I feel like punching a hole in the wall or eating a full tub of ice cream doesn’t mean I should do it. You never should feel bad about having a crush, but know that most teenage crushes are best just held in your heart or written in diaries.

Dating, on the other hand, is a social skill that sits on a tall foundation of even more important social and emotional skills. It is not a sport and should be done thoughtfully because it comes with real consequences that shape your future.

Too many kids are defining their self worth by if they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. If you aren’t dating anyone it doesn’t mean you’re ugly, unwanted, or immature. Often times it means you have more confidence and maturity. It’s easier to impress someone who doesn’t have self-respect or vision. Know your worth.

Pre-Dating Skills & Phases

DON’T SKIP SOCIAL STAGES
Every stage of life matters.
Don’t graduate early or grow up too fast.
Enjoy your innocence. Live out your childhood. You only get to be a kid once.

LEVEL 1: HEALTHY ADULT SUPPORT SYSTEM

A strong relationship with your parents/guardians should be number one. Learn from them. Lean on them. They help keep you safe in this confusing and virtual world. Some times kids turn to peers for attention or connection when they don’t feel love coming from their home, but remember; there are good kind and selfless adults willing and wanting to support you. You NEED adult mentors who will tell you the truth and protect you from people and kids in the world and online who want to abuse or use you. Also, observing trustworthy adults in strong, happy relationships teaches what is appropriate and healthy in a partnership. Pay attention to the relationships around you (not online or in movies). Who are people in your life or community that you feel have a relationship you would like to have one day?

Related Milestones:
☐ I am open and honest with my parents/trustworthy adults.

☐ I hold eye contact, good posture, and conversation with intimidating, older, or new people.

☐ I talk through tricky topics calmly or express ideas clearly.

☐ I seek out mentors who can help me instead of just venting with friends.

☐ I have social manners during events and dinners.

☐ I can write a grammatically correct and professional email.

LEVEL 2: SELF-CONFIDENCE

If you don’t like yourself, you are not ready to date. Don’t use romance to feel confident, calm, or whole—dating won’t fix these things; it magnifies them. Dating works best when you already feel grounded. Your sense of self-worth cannot come from other people.

Milestones:
☐ I genuinely like myself.

☐ I manage my own emotions.

☐ I have hobbies.

☐ I feel comfortable being alone.

☐ I find fulfillment in my life.

☐ I eat healthy and exercise.

☐ I take care of my body, hair, and clothes.

☐ I dress in a way that shows self-respect.

☐ Other kids’ opinions or criticism don’t affect my sense of worth.

☐ I have my own opinions and don’t follow the crowd to be liked.

LEVEL 3: FRIEND FLOW

 Friendship is the foundation of every relationship. If you struggle making or keeping friends, or if your friendships are full of drama then you are not ready to date. Dating gossip only complicates life. Kids need friends more than boyfriends/girlfriends—pure kindness without alternative motives. Not everyone will be your best friend, but peaceful interaction with diverse people matters.

Milestones:
☐ I reach out to new and diverse people with ease and confidence.

☐ My friends stay because they find me trustworthy.

☐ I protect others’ privacy and don’t spread rumors.

☐ I deescalate social drama.

☐ I don’t try to hurt people physically or emotionally.

☐ I am genuinely interested and find value in others.

☐ I help people willingly.

☐ My friends are real-life peers my parents have met.

☐ I can confidently CALL friends to hang out.

☐ I can keep a conversation going comfortably.

☐ I don’t manipulate others with my emotions.

☐ I greet people comfortably (high fives, fist bumps, waving, saying hello).

☐ I use appropriate language.

LEVEL 4: HEALTHY HABITS

Being trusted is more important than being liked. If you are behind in school, constantly in trouble, have fallen into bad habits, or not caring for your responsibilities, you’re not ready to date.  Right now you are in the building phase of your life—preparing for independence and relationships.  Who you are becoming is who you will attract. I want you to attract a partner that is capable, smart, and strong so that life’s long list of responsibilities can be shared happily.

Milestones:
☐ I engage in good activities at school and in my spare time.

☐ I do the right thing when no one is watching.

☐ I am honest and not deceitful.

☐ I complete my schoolwork on time.

☐ I take care of my room and possessions.

☐ I joyfully help around the house.

☐ I don’t use illegal substances.

☐ My schedule feels balanced.

☐ My body and mind are healthy and stable

☐ I am proud of how I use online media and the internet.

EARNED DATING EXPERIENCES

POST 5: GROUP ACTIVITIES & DATES = PRACTICE WITHOUT INTENSITY

As you get older you will find more satisfaction from planning and organizing your own activities. Mature adults aren’t just receivers or guests but leaders, inviters, and helpers. The more you focus on helping others in social circumstances the more you will enjoy the experience. Don’t spoil your freespirited youth with the heavy drama of thoughtless dating. Instead enjoy group activities and group dates.

Group dates are amazing because they are….

• Safer (you should never be alone in person or online with anyone your parents or trusted adults have not met or don’t approve of)

• Low pressure

• Less serious

• Helpful in getting to know and enjoy a larger variety of people/personality types

• Great for observing and learning about dating and group social skills

Milestones:

☐ I stay calm and level-headed in large groups.

☐ I’m not constantly on my phone at events.

☐ I don’t give into peer pressure.

☐ I comfortably ask people questions and can share about myself.

☐ I can organize, plan, and host group activities independently.

☐ I proactively help hosts with food, cleaning, or setup.

☐ I look out for others’ safety.

LEVEL 6: 1-ON-1 DATES

1:1 dates are also not just for people you’re attracted to. Going on dates with your parents, siblings, and friends builds those important relationships and teaches you the skills you need for when you’re dating with a purpose or going out with someone you’re actually interested in. 

Dates should be fun, but should be used as a way to get to know someone better. On dates it’s good to talk about a wide variety of topics so that you can better understand people’s values, priorities, and character.

Milestones:
☐ My parents know and trust my date, activity, and location.

☐ I ask my date out in person or on a phone call.

☐ I retrieve and drop off dates properly.

☐ I confidently greet my date’s family or friends.

☐ I open doors and use good manners.

☐ I hold mature and deeper conversations.

☐ I flirt appropriately.

☐ I understand boundaries and permission.

☐ I have table manners.

☐ I can pay with my own money.

☐ I drive responsibly and safely.

☐ Dating doesn’t pull me away from my goals.

☐ I leave dates feeling like I grew or learned something.

LEVEL 7: BOYFRIEND / GIRLFRIEND

You may need to chill out and slow down.

REMEMBER

1.) Your top priority as a minor is to become a stable adult.

2.) The time you spend with one person means less time for other friends, social events, or goals. Life is simple. Be in the right place, at the right time, doing the right things.

3.) If it feels real — don’t rush it. Discipline now saves heartache later. You need to stay safe and you need to keep people you care about safe. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean it’s the right time to be with them. I jokingly tell my student’s, “if you’re not ready to pay for where you live or have a baby then you're not ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend.” They giggle, but it’s a good way to put things into perspective. Be strong enough to know when it’s time to break up.  If you’re supposed to be together after high school it will work out.

4.) Get advice from adults you trust.

5.) Ideally the friends you make on dates could last your whole life, or lead to wonderful opportunities. Who knows - The people you get to know might one day work in your same office, be your neighbors, be hiring for a high paying job, or be best friends with the real love of your life; so be careful.

Before saying yes, ask:
• Have I thought this through?
• Have I talked with my parents?
• Am I choosing wisdom over feelings?

Reevaluate after a few weeks:
• Is this helping me grow?
• Is this aligned with my goals?
• Am I staying safe?

Milestones:
☐ I set clear personal boundaries and keep them.

☐ I respect my partner’s boundaries.

☐ I communicate openly with my parents.

☐ I keep a set curfew.

☐ I have discipline.

☐ I balance friends, family, school, sleep, meals, exercise, and hobbies.

☐ I make choices that move me closer to my goals.

☐ I am strong enough to break up if it’s not the right time.

EXTRA
You have a lot of life to live. Who you have a crush on isn’t the most interesting thing about you. Enjoy every phase.

Future milestones you might want to hit:
☐ I have learned about myself through living with roommates.

☐ I am financially independent.

☐ I have lived in new places.

☐ I have a deep and personal relationship with God.

☐ I have a job or program leading toward a strong future career.

☐ I have dated a variety of people.